Title: The Journal
Year: Any after Season Five
Category: Drama, Angst, First Time, AU
Spoilers: Up to Season Five
Summary: Writings in the journal of one of our most beloved characters running from life at the SGC. He doesn’t look back. Until he comes face to face with the SGC.
Entry One- January 28th 2002
In the years at my job I saved a lot of money. Hell I was never home to spend any of it. Now all that money comes in handy. I left that job. Five years of working there. Five years of being the brunt of everyone’s jokes. Five years of having my own bed in the infirmary. Everyone there knows me. I thought I knew them. How wrong I was.
Sg-1 was scheduled to go to the planet P3X-999. But I had to stay behind. Doc’s orders. Because of my allergies. So I used that as my time to leave. They would be gone for a bout five days. I left most of my stuff. I didn’t want the memories.
I didn’t want to leave with SG-1 on planet. It would be too hard. I pack my stuff from the apartment weeks ago. Now it sits in my new house. A house an old friend is letting me use. I can’t be traced there. I hope. Once the office is packed up I give Hammond my resignation. I got into my car and drove away. I didn’t look back. Hopefully, Hammond doesn’t call SG-1 back. I wanted to make this a clean getaway.
My friend, Greg, has a house that he was given by his grandparents. This is where I am living. It’s perfect for me. The house is beside a restaurant. I never have to leave the area. I don’t drive. Air Force, Government can track me that way. As far as they are concerned I live in Colorado Springs. This town is small. Belpre, Ohio. A speck on the Ohio River. It’s perfect for me. Here I am Daniel Jackson. Not Dr. Jackson. Not Daniel who needs rescued every other mission. Not the civilian on SG-1. Not the man who is everything the military hates. Not the bisexual of the SGC. Just Daniel.
Entry Two- February 20th 2002
This is one of my only personal journals that is wrote in English. That way one day someone at the SGC can understand. Maybe even SG-1. I miss them. Jack, Sam, Teal’c, Janet, and Hammond. One of the only families I have ever had. But I couldn’t stand it there anymore. The people at the SGC never did anything bad. But they did make life hard. Notes and warnings and such. I guess I made their year by leaving.
Today the restaurant had a new waitress. Becca Donnelly. She seemed sweet but she is hiding something. When she smiles there is no life in her eyes. Like she is just a hull of a person. Like I had been the last few weeks at the SGC. I was talking to the owner. He said that she is new to Belpre. She is twenty-eight and has an eight year old child. He feels bad for her. People in the town are already calling her a whore. But she just grins and bears it. She must be used to it. Probably why she left the last place she was at. I don’t know why she caught my eye but she did. I guess I feel sorry for her.
We couldn’t have picked a worse place to live. Especially me for the reasons that I did. Small, everyone knows everyone else. Churches every twenty feet. Gays, bis, and lesbians aren’t met with kind eyes. But it suits me. I can hide. I do go out. Movies, shopping and other things. Usually I take a cab. I have no friends other than Greg. He understands I want to be alone. That is what I need more than anything. To be alone. For almost five years anything in my private life was SGC knowledge. It feels good to have secrets and have no one asking you all the time.
Entry Three- March 18th 2002
I have lived as a hermit for a few months now. Not anymore. I have two housemates now. I’ll start at the beginning. I went outside to my yard yesterday and I saw a young boy sitting by a tree and crying. I sat beside him and asked him why he is crying. He told me his tale about how his mom was just fired from her job because of who she is and now they don’t have anywhere to live. He started crying harder. I pulled him to me and held him as he cried. A few minutes later a voice said. “Justin, where are you? Mr. Jackson? Thank you for finding him.” He ran to her. I couldn’t see who she was until she leaned down to hug her child. It was Miss Donnelly.
“Miss Donnelly, did you really get fired?”
“Yes, Mr. Jackson. I did.”
“Call me Daniel. May I ask why?” I didn’t want to push her. She seemed pissed.
“Because they found out that I am a lesbian. Do you want to make a comment about it?” She snaps at me.
“Miss Donnelly, why don’t you come in? Justin can clean up and you can tell me about it. Maybe I might be able to help.” She looked uncertain, but went into my house in the end. I fixed some tea. Not my normal coffee. I don’t drink it as much. Also she needed calming, not caffeine.
“Feel free to vent about homophobia. That’s the reason I left my life and job. I am bisexual. If I may…how…Justin?”
“I was twenty. This guy in a few of my classes wouldn’t take no. Even though I told him I was a lesbian. He raped me. Here we are.”
“What did Justin tell you, Daniel?” She looked at me. Still not knowing if she could trust me.
“That you lost your job and your living place.” This broke her resolve.
“Yes, I did. The apartment was owned by the man who owns the restaurant.” She started crying. It looks like it has been about eight years of tears. I went and held her. She let me do this. She cried herself to sleep. I carried her to my bed. I made sure she was covered before leaving. Once back in the living room I saw Justin sitting on the couch. He had finished his shower. He had mud on him from sitting on the ground outside. I gave him a shirt to wear to bed and he fell asleep on the couch. I around two fell asleep in the chair.
I was the last to wake up. I found myself covered up. The smell of coffee and food woke me up. I had decided the night before that they would live with me. Greg could get her a job. A stable one. We would work out rent later.
We talked about it for an hour. She finally agreed. She asked what I do. I told her about the odd jobs I do for the elderly around here. Lawn care in the summer, shoveling snow in the winter.
Entry Four- July 8th 2002
Becca went home with Justin for three weeks. So I am lonely. Justin loves me. A few times he as called me Dad. I just noticed that today I am thirty-seven. Happy Birthday to me.
Weird another hang up call. We have been getting a lot of these. One time I heard alarms. Must be from a payphone. Teenagers having fun making prank calls.
Seven months of freedom. But my missing my friends only gets worse. I looked through the boxes in my basement. I saved a few of the pictures of us. I even have one of the whole team smiling. Even Teal’c. I started to cry.
The phone rang. It’s the police station. Becca’s there. She isn’t supposed to be back.
Becca was driving home when she stopped at a gas station. She made Justin stay in the car while she paid. A drunk driver hit the side of her car. Justin is dead, killed instantly. My pain hurts so much. I saw him as my son.
Entry Five- August 1st, 2002
Becca is back at work. We have slept in the same bed this whole time. She needs comfort. I see her as my little sister. For a while she has peace in my arms. That’s all I can do for her. Then the dreams start. It’s hard to tell which one. From when she was raped or when she saw her son die. Now I truly know what Jack felt like. Why would he go on that suicide mission? Becca doesn’t want to die. She is trying to be happy for Justin. It’s hard but she tries.
Entry Six- August 18th, 2003
Since I left the SGC my entries have been few and far between. My last one was a little over a year ago. Only one thing has changed. To help our standings in the community Becca and I are married. I know the Pentagon and the Air Force are looking for me. I know they won’t find me. If anything it will be SG-1 who finds me. If they ever do, I hope they don’t. I am happy. I work for Greg on his farm. My hair is still short I now have a beard and facial hair. I am almost unrecognizable from my days at the SGC. I took a trip to Colorado Springs a few weeks ago. I flew there. I drove to Sam’s. She had some friends over. I went to Jack’s. I had to get out of the car there. Jack and Teal’c were watching ‘Star Wars’ they were having fun. I went home knowing there were happy.
Becca knows little of my past. She doesn’t know I am a doctor of Archeology. She doesn’t know I used to work for the government. She only knows I am bi, I’m Daniel Jackson, and I love her. That’s enough for her and me. Sometimes at night she wakes to hear me screaming in my room. I never have nightmares about parents anymore. I wish I could forget my years at the SGC. They are the source of my nightmares. But I must go home. I am sitting on the side of the Ohio River. I told Becca I would have dinner ready.
Someone’s been here. My time at the SGC has taught me to look. Nothing is missing. I am not happy. I would rather it be burglars. This means that the person just looked. I have nothing out from my other life. That is all hidden. I checked that stuff already. No one found it. I had better fix dinner. I won’t scare Becca. She doesn’t need this. I will just have to be careful from now on.
Entry Seven- August 25th, 2003
I am hiding in the den. I came home from work and two people were sitting on our couch. Becca introduced them. They had just moved in next door. The man’s name is Troy and the woman Lily. Both are thirty married ten years. They can’t have kids and are in the process of adopting. They are happy. Lily and Becca became fast friends. I was introduced at Daniel Donnelly. Troy seemed to be analyzing me. Here comes Lily. Becca sent her to find me.
We went to dinner. Afterwards Troy ordered coffee. Something strange happened after.
“Daniel, do you want any coffee?”
“I don’t drink coffee.”
“You seem the coffee type.”
“Sorry, hate it.” Troy seemed taken back. Like he wanted me to drink coffee. I know they are lying about something. But about what I don’t know. Maybe they are hiding like I am. I don’t know. They drank coffee. I drank tea.
“Daniel, what do you do?” Lily asked me.
“I work on a farm.”
“Oh, how do you pay for that house?”
“A friend let’s us stay there as long as we pay utilities.” They didn’t ask me anymore questions.
Entry Eight- September 21st, 2003
I am a thirty eight year old man who is scared to enter his own home. The bad thing is, is that my gun is in the house. Becca is not in town. She and her girlfriend, Mary, went on a vacation. I write these words now by the light from the street lamp. The only person I know well enough to go to is not home. Troy. Lily left him two weeks ago. He rarely leaves but he is gone now. I hear noises in my house. What if it’s the F.B.I., N.I.D., Air Force, Pentagon, or SG-1?
I sucked it up. I went in. It’s a kitten. A little pure white kitten. Male. I don’t know how he got in. He looked innocent But I noticed that he got into everything. He craves attention. I named him Jack. That’s who he reminds me of. Becca called. I told her. She can’t wait to get home to meet him.
Entry Nine- October 3rd, 2003
I know why Lily left Troy. He told her that he is bi. He told Becca and me. We told him our little sexuality secrets. He seemed relieved.
Greg just called. He got a call from an old friend of ours. Her name is Roxy. She got a call from a man named Colonel Jack O’Neill. Who was looking for me. Greg told her he hadn’t seen me. I told him O’Neill is from my old life. He understands.
Troy is upstairs with Becca. The basement is my solace. Here I can be Dr. Jackson. Here I can be with my past. I hear someone coming. I don’t turn around I know it’s Troy.
“Did you think you could hide forever?”
“I just wanted to be alone.”
“Alone, Dr. Jackson.” I turned to look at him.
“My name is Daniel Donnelly. Not Jackson, and surely not a doctor. I think you are drunk.” I stand up. He is blocking the only exit out of the room. I don’t know how he knows me. I curse in Abydonian. He takes out his cell phone.
“Tell him I found him. Yeah, it’s him. I’m sure. Yea. How? Try cursing in Abydonian.” He hung up. I now know it’s Jack. I taught him that curse. He takes off his wig, the mustache, beard, and takes out the contacts. “We didn’t know it was you. Had to be sure. The security alarm was good. We couldn’t get in. And the one time that we did there were no fingerprints. Must have just cleaned. Didn’t give us much time though. Got back before we were done. The beard and stuff hid you well. Not drinking coffee. Changing your speech pattern. One slip up. The curse. Only you could know it. Danny, why did you leave?” I stare at him. While walking he had gotten closer.
“I couldn’t stand it anymore, Jack. I was careful but they found out. They never did anything. They feared you. I had been planning to leave for weeks when I did. I was waiting for a reason not to go on a mission. I couldn’t leave with SG-1 on planet.”
“We came back. Hammond handed us the note. We went to your place. All gone. We lost you. A week after we thought we found you Carter and I moved in here. We were getting ready to leave. Call it a dead end. But I had a feeling. Hammond needed Carter. So I was allowed a few extra weeks. Almost two years Danny.” He hugs me. I start to cry. But I stop my self. Becca can’t hear this. “Don’t worry. Becca is asleep. I put a sedative in her tea. I was to use it on you to bring you back. Pentagon orders. Let it out, Danny.” I don’t know why he calls me Danny. But I cry. I just noticed how much I missed Jack. Once my emotions are under control I ask him a question.
“Jack, how did it feel? To act bi for a little?”
“Act? Daniel I have known I am since high school. Why do you think I was so surprised about you leaving? I didn’t know. You hid it so well.” I didn’t know what to say. My best friend is bi. I hid it for so long and I didn’t have to. “I do care for Carter more than I should but I love someone else more. Carter couldn’t believe it about you. She never even got a hint. You hid it well. You are a very good actor.”
“Jack, go away for a while. I need to think.” Jack left. I went upstairs. I went to Becca’s room. There she lay asleep. I curled up with her and fell asleep.
Entry Ten- November 1st 2003
Jack left saying that he would say it’s not me. I talked to Sam and General Hammond. They understand. I was given two open-ended tickets to Colorado Springs. I was also given a card that would get me into the base. Jack said that Becca and I could stay with him until we found a place. He may be bi but he still loves Sara and Sam. Jack and women that have first names that start with ‘s’. Hell even I have a ‘s’ thing. Hammond said I could tell Becca whatever I wish. As long as I don’t think she’ll leave. I don’t think she will. She lives for Sci-Fi. Star Wars and Dune are her solace. Hammond said that if we do decide to go home he will find her a job at the base. Jack’s been gone a month. I want to go home. Today I am going to tell Becca everything. I hope it goes well.
Becca’s Entry- Novemeber 1st 2003
Daniel told me everything today. Then he gave me his journal to write what I thought. He even told me I could read it. I have. I can’t leave him. He IS my family. My only family. After Justin died they wanted nothing to do with me. I am glad we are married. If I ever want to marry a woman we would divorce. Same for him. But for now we are happy. I have nothing to hold me here. I am going with him. Colorado Springs. Sounds nice. I hope it is.
I know you will keep this and remember Daniel. Justin would have died long before he did and I wouldn’t be here if not for you. I love you, my husband.
Entry Eleven- November 27th 2003
It’s Thanksgiving. I sit at a table with four people. Becca and I and Teal’c and Jack. After telling her we tool the next plane to Colorado Springs. We had little to take with us. It will be sent for later. I’ll go back to pack my stuff later. At 10:30 on the 2nd we were standing outside Jack’s front door. We heard a little of the phone call that Jack was making.
“Of course. But I don’t think he will be back. He’s happy. He’s married. No I won’t I wouldn’t do that to him. Yeah, Carter. I gotta go. Someone’s at the door. Gotta go, Carter. Bye.” Jack opened the door and screamed.
And here we are. Jack’s house is rather large. Two guest rooms and an empty basement. Teal’c and Becca have the rooms. The basement is mine. It’s like an apartment. I have the room I sleep in. A study and a full bath. Cooking is done upstairs. It’s better this way. SG-1 is gone so much why buy a house. Wait until we retire them get one. Becca likes it. She feels safer knowing she’s not alone. And Teal’c well he wanted off the base. But the Pentagon didn’t want him living full on his own yet. Maybe some time soon. Becca is now a civilian consultant. She gives her two cents on every mission that happens. It makes the SGC look better if it ever comes out.
Jack enjoys having us here. Now he’s not lonely. Everyone at the SGC likes it too. He’s not as grumpy. I enjoy Jack’s company. Before I literally worked till I dropped. Not any more. Jack will come down with food or drink, he will stand there until I finish a part then will shut the computer off or take the papers away. He makes sure I sleep. Explaining Becca and I’s relationship to Jack, Sam, and Teal’c was fun. They all thought that the marriage was well and true. Jack was surprised to learn that Becca was a lesbian. For the short time he lived next door he never saw Becca act as anything but a loving wife. Becca met a girl she likes. I’m happy. She needs that kind of love again. I drew up the divorce papers in case.
Entry Twelve- January 20th 2004
Difficult mission. I was forced to relive all my worst memories. Sha’re dying, my parents, dying, hearing about Justin, blowing up Moscow. I didn’t let on how much it bugged me. When we three men got home there was a message waiting on us. It was from Becca and Lynn. They love the trip to Hawaii we gave them as their wedding present. Right after my last entry we divorced. They got married a week and a half ago. I couldn’t be happier. After that I went to my study. Jack was going to watch hockey and Teal’c was going to Kel’no’reem.After and hour I gave up. The images were still in my head. At some point I must have fallen asleep. The images in my head became nightmares. I must have been screaming because Jack was beside me stroking my face.
“Danny? Wake up. Come on wake up.”
“Let’s get you to bed.” He helped me get there. I laid down, he covered me up and moved to walk away. Then he heard the crying. Every thing that had ever went wrong was flashing across my brain. I couldn’t hold it in.
“Danny?” I couldn’t answer. He laid down beside me. And turned me to face him. But he didn’t say anything. Didn’t want me to. He just held me. And let me cry.
I haven’t woken up beside a man in many years. I freaked when I did. Especially when I saw it was Jack. I could have handled anyone but Jack. My movement woke him up.
“Daniel? What’s wrong?”
“What are you doing here?”
“You were upset. I was trying to calm you down. I must have fallen asleep my self. I’m sorry. I scared you. Breakfast will be ready in a half and hour.” I knew after ward the real reason I was upset. I had fallen in love with a man that didn’t love me.
Entry Thirteen- February 11th 2004
Teal’c moved into his own place about a week and a half ago. Took weeks to get everyone to agree. He’s lived in the base for years. He can be trusted to live on his own. It’s just Jack and me. Becca is living in San Francisco, a journalist there. Teal’s is happy, the TV is his now. Watch whatever he wants when ever he wants. Which is almost anything sci-fi. Jack’s a little grumpier. I think he’s lonely. I have been working a lot lately. The SG teams have been finding a lot of things that need translated. Myself and my staff can’t keep up. I told General Hammond that we needed a few new translators. He said he would look into it.
Since returning I have had none of the harassment that I did before. Hell, half the ones who did it are no longer there. And the other half are nice as hell to me. I think Jack gave them fear of death. I don’t know and I don’t care. I am back where I belong. Those two years away, I suppressed my love to do the things I do. I think I was even suppressing my love of Jack. Because there is no way that that love came on that quick. Two months, hell no.
It’s near midnight. Jack hasn’t come down to see if I have eaten or even slept. Since Teal’c left he hasn’t done it as much. Now that I come to think about it. He hasn’t done it that much since I woke up to find him in my bed. I think I scared him. I hear foot steps. I wonder if we have to go into work. Some emergency.
Jack walked into my study that night with a determined look on his face. I thought that we would have to go on some rescue mission. He didn’t say anything, just stood looking at me. I didn’t look up from the translation I had switched to instead of my journal. I looked up at him again. The determined look was gone. Now it was a lost look. I wondered if one of the SG members had been kill. I walk over to stand in front of him
“What’s wrong, Jack?”
“Huh? Oh nothing.” I let it go. Maybe he was just sorry to be alone in the house again.
“Then what do you want?”
“You.” He pulled me into his arms before I could register what he said. Then when it did before I could say anything he was kissing me. I am writing this now after waking up in his bed. Don’t ask me how we got from my study to his bed but we did. He’s waking up. Telling me to quit writing. I stay like this for a few seconds until he is running his hands over me.
Entry Fourteen- June 4th 2004
I write in this journal any changes in my life. I also write what’s bothering me. So it’s fitting I haven’t wrote for a while. Life is heaven when I’m with Jack. Becca’s happy that I’m happy. Sam told me that that night that I came to Jack’s with Becca she had told Jack to tell me how he feels. He said he would never do that. It wasn’t fair. She’s happy for us. She and Jack still flirt and it keeps people off out backs.
Jack is not perfect, neither am I. But at least I admit it when I am wrong. He won’t. That’s why I am at Teal’c’s. I showed up in his doorstep crying. He made me come in. He didn’t say anything just sat me down on the couch and made me some tea. When I was calm I told him of the fight Jack and I had.
“Can I stay the night, Teal’c?”
“You can stay as long as you wish. If O’Neill comes here I will tell him I have not seen you. I won’t let him enter. I will tell him he interrupted my Kel’no’reem.”
“Thanks, Teal’c. I’m going to bed.”
“You are welcome, Daniel Jackson.” I went up stairs. I am going to write about the fight here so I can show him later.
“I love you too, Bec. Bye, give her my love as well. Yes, I’ll tell him. Bye. Love you, too, again.” I hung up laughing. Jack must not have heard all of the conversation because he came storming into my study.
“Who was that?” He demanded.
“What’s wrong, Jack?” I asked a little scared of the look in his eye.
“Who was that?” He said again, his voice full of anger. His face was so red I could have fried and egg on it.
“It was Becca. She called from San Fran. Wanted to make sure I wished her a Happy Birthday. Why are you mad?”
“Daniel, are you lying to me?” I couldn’t believe my ears. I have never lied to Jack. I wouldn’t. He knows that. And he accuses me of lying. There went my temper. I can match him blow for blow when I get started.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Daniel, I walk in after a trip to D.C. which I get back early from and I find my boyfriend in his study talking on the phone. Telling that other person he loves them. What would you think?”
“I would know that my boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on me. And that my boyfriend loves me. That’s what I would think.” I stormed out. I didn’t use my car I just got a taxi after walking a few blocks. Jack didn’t come after me.
Entry Fifteen- June 8th 2004
I have been avoiding Jack at work. We have no missions off world so it’s easy. I work with others all the time. He wouldn’t dare talk about our problems with others around. But I make sure they are civilians. I get there before he does and leave before he does. I have my car. I sent an airman to get it back from Jack’s. When I get home I park it in Teal’c’s garage.
I know I am being a little childish but so was Jack. If I had been seeing someone behind his back would I really talk to him or her at our house? I do have a few degrees to my name. I mean I heard him come in that’ why I got off the phone so quick. I wanted to see how his day was. But no! He has to jump to the wrong conclusions.
Jack came to Teal’c tonight. He and Teal’c talked for a while. Normal stuff, how’s the neighborhood. Yadda, Yadda. Yes, I was listening in. Then Jack got real quiet.
“Teal’c, please help me. I know he talks to you. I want to tell him how sorry I am. I miss him. I lived without him for years, now for days is hard.” His voice sounded raspy like he was crying.
“I do not know where Daniel Jackson is, O’Neill. Make him talk to you alone tomorrow. Tell him what you told me.” Jack left after that. I went to the guest room and packed. But I didn’t leave just yet. I knew that Teal’c would come upstairs and he did. He told me that he believes that Jack is honest in his sincerity. I told Teal’c thanks for letting me stay but I need to go home. He nodded and left. I parked my car down the road a little in case Jack was where he could see the headlights pull into the drive way. Once at the house I could see the light from the T.V. I saw Jack sitting on the couch but his face was streaked wit tears.
I made my way to my place, which has it’s own entrance so I wouldn’t bother anyone when I left early or got home late. My bed wasn’t made. Jack must have been sleeping in it. And if on cue he does come downstairs. I make my way to my study and hear him lay down on the bed. I hear him sobbing. But if I went in there right now we would have to talk. So I must wait for him to go to sleep. My heart is breaking and I start crying silent tears. Once I have controlled my self I hear nothing from the room. I step out to look at him. He has cried himself to sleep. I change into a t-shirt and sweatpants then lay down. I don’t touch him I just lay there and go to sleep.
Entry Sixteen- July 8th 2004
I was right. I woke up the next morning with Jack’s legs twined with mine. His head lay in the crook of my neck and his arm over my stomach. He didn’t even know he was doing it. It was just the way we slept and his subconscious took over. I decided I wanted him up. I started kissing him. It took a minute for him to wake up, when he did he pulled back.
“Danny?” He said.
“Shh, love. Just enjoy it.” I tried to kiss him again. But he pulled back again.
“What are you doing here?”
“You mean in my apartment or in your bed? I heard what you said to Teal’c. That’s where I have been staying. Now do you want to talk or make up?” I will exclude what happens next incase someone does read these things one day.
With all that has happened between Jack and I, I totally forgot about my birthday. I am thirty-nine today. So we have a small party. Just SG-1. Becca is coming to town later today with Lynn. Their plane was delayed. Today is a good day.