Trust

Title: Trust
Series: None
Year: Any
Category: First Time
Ratings: PG
Pairings: Jack/Daniel
Spoilers: None
Summary: Daniel opens up to Jack about his past. But what does Jack do?
Words: 3,214
Notes: None
Warnings: Mentions of Abuse

So here I am looking at pictures I found in his office. From his younger days before he went to college and when he was at college. He always wore long sleeves and turtlenecks. Even that first year that he was here at the base he wore them. Then he stopped. He smiled more. Even when Sha’re was gone he still smiled. And he always wore the BDU jacket. I always thought it was from the cold. He grew up in a desert. He lived on Abydos for a year. In Colorado even during the summer it doesn’t get all that hot, unless it’s an Indian summer. Not as hot as he’s used to. But after that first year he got used to it.

I came to his office to find some chocolate. He always has it on hand, if not for himself then for Carter when it’s that time. I found the drawer that he has it in. Along with a letter. I know I shouldn’t have read it but I did. It was from a woman. Stella. Stella Smith. From reading it I got that she was one of his many foster parents. She started the letter off with I’m sorry. I don’t know what for. She and Daniel must know. I look at the date. It was dated the third of August of 1997. Not long after he got back from Abydos. She talked about how she wished she could have stopped him and that Daniel had been forced to do what he did. After that the note was nice and sweet. She was talking about how her life was. And that she had in total adopted seven children so far and that she had got re-married after the death of her husband and that this husband was nice and caring. And that she wanted Daniel to meet him, if he ever got back to the Chicago area.

I put the letter up and the pictures. And I start to make my way to Daniel’s apartment. I haven’t been around that much over the past year. I am afraid he’ll find something out that he didn’t need to know. But first I stop by Hammond’s office. I want to ask about Daniel’s file. And about this Stella Smith. I read the file the Air Force had compiled on him right before the trip to Abydos. But a few things were classified. I guess that where the stuff about Stella is. I tell him about the letter. Hammond looks shocked.

“I thought that he would tell you.” Hammond said.

“Tell me what?” I ask. He shakes his head. He goes over to a cabinet of his. He unlocks it and pulls out a file. He hands it to me.

“Your eyes only. A few things were left out of his file that you read in 1996. A great deal has to do with the Smith’s and a little about his sexuality.” I nod and leave. His sexuality. Daniel’s straight. Because believe me if I knew he wasn’t I would be telling him a few things. I go to my office and lock the door. I start reading.

“Stella and Adam Smith. Last foster parents Dr. Jackson had. He went to college just after Mr. Smith’s death. Mr. Smith was a well-endowed man. When he was killed all of it went to his widow. No one knows how Mr. Smith really died. While the stories given by a then 15 Dr. Jackson and Mrs. Smith was perfect every time they told it. None really believed that Dr. Jackson shot Mr. Smith.” Daniel shot someone at the age of fifteen? What the hell? Daniel hates guns.

“The cops said that Mrs. Smith had called the cops a few times about domestic abuse but nothing was ever done. The night in question Mrs. Smith had been beat unconscious and Dr. Jackson had said that after Mr. Smith had beat her he turned on him. That was when he took off through the house. The house was a wreck. Dr. Jackson went to Mr. Smith study. There he found Mr. Smith’s pistol. He told Mr. Smith to leave them alone but Mr. Smith kept on walking towards him. Dr. Jackson said he had no recourse but to fire. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jackson’s bodies were covered in bruises, while Mr. Smith had very little. The police and the courts deemed it death by self-defense. Dr. Jackson was sent to college right after that. And his total college years were paid for by Mr. Smith’s companies. As pay back for the abuse he went through. Dr. Jackson has not contacted Mrs. Smith that we have been able to find.”

“Damn.” I say. That’s all I can say. Our little Daniel killed a person at age fifteen. He never talked about it. Never. Maybe that’s why he wants to save everyone. To make up for the life he took. I pick up the folder again. There is just one page left. I guess this one has to do with his sexuality.

“Until his late mid twenties Dr. Jackson was only known to know the company of men. Until Alex Kensington. Mr. Kensington was a college roommate at Oxford. Dr. Jackson and Mr. Kensington lived together for three years. One night Dr. Jackson showed up at a local hospital saying he was the victim of rape. The doctors evaluated him and called the local police. Dr. Jackson gave statement saying this wasn’t the first time. That this had been a normal event for the last year. Mr. Kensington was arrested. Once the local papers got wind of it. Many more victims came forward. That was the last time that Dr. Jackson has been with a man. After that he was with Sarah Gardner. Until shortly before he came to work on the project. It is believed that after the problem with Mr. Kensington Dr. Jackson will probably never have relations with a man again. He has never seen a shrink about what happened. But it is deemed that since he has been fine with it. There should be no affects in his life.” I look
at the folder. No wonder that little piece of information wasn’t in his normal file. They believe that he wouldn’t do that again. Hell I know a lot of guys that never have penetrative sex again after they have been raped. They can’t do it. But most of them are gay. Seem that Daniel is at least bi. Or was bi. Can he really be called heterosexual? Or just a non-practicing gay man?

Now I’ve got a dilemma. Do I confront him about this? Just to talk. Like a worried friend, I know that this has never affected his role on the team. But now I am worried. He’s got all that in his head. No wonder he didn’t want to see McKenzie. I wouldn’t. Maybe those shirts are ways that he protects himself.

~~~

I near Daniel’s apartment my mind made up. I will try and get him to tell me about it without him finding out I know. I took the file back to Hammond. He told me to sit. We sat like that for a good long while. Finally he started talking.

“I didn’t know what to do when I was sent that file. I got it after the mission to P3X-593 or Simarka. But he had proved so valuable on the missions I decided I would watch him. No reactions at all. Not even when some of the Marines called him gay and would taunt him. And when you talked of his reluctance to even fire a weapon I got nervous. After what he had done could he fire one? He did. I even remember you talking about how easy he was to train to fire it. By the mission to Cimmeria I had all confidence in him.”

“Why did you give me that?” I ask. He really shouldn’t have. As long as it has no bearing on his performance then I shouldn’t have been told.

“You hide it well, Jack.” He says to me. He used my first name. I guess this is personal. “But not well enough. Teal’c knows as well. We have talked about it. I showed that to you hoping that it would open your eyes and you would tell him.”

“Tell him what, Sir?” I ask.

“That you love him.” He says.

“Sir, you shouldn’t be saying that.” I say back to him. This is the military. He’s my CO. He should be putting me in the brig for loving another man.

“Son, I don’t care who you sleep with as long as it doesn’t affect your work. And I don’t think sleeping with Daniel will make you hover near him any more or less. Hell this whole base goes out of their way to protect him.” I stare at him dumbfounded. I can’t say anything. I just stand and nod. “SG-1 has stand down for a week. After the Russian debacle I think you need it.”

“Thanks, Sir. I’ll tell Carter and Daniel.”

“Teal’c is already getting ready to leave for the Land of Light.” Hammond says to me. I nod and leave. Stopping first to tell Carter to get a life. And that’s what brought me here. Standing outside Daniel’s apartment knocking on his door. I knock again a little louder. Sometimes when he’s in his study he doesn’t hear the first set of knocks. Again no sounds come from in the apartment. I use my key to enter. I know he’s there. His car was outside. And it’s raining so he didn’t walk anywhere. His apartment is dark. He may have a headache. He doesn’t like a lot of light when he has them. Then I see him leave the kitchen and make his way to the balcony. He sits down by the door and looks out. I see the headphones traveling from his head to the hand held CD player in one hand. I’ve never seen him listen to music like that. It’s always over his stereo system. He takes a drink of his coffee. I think its coffee and starts to sing.

“long lost words whisper slowly to me
still can’t find what keeps me here
when all this time I’ve been so hallow inside
I know your still there

watching you wanting me
I can feel you hold me down
fearing you loving you
I won’t let you pull me down

hunting you I can smell you- alive
your heart pounding in my head

Watching you wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
saving me raping me
watching me”

I don’t know that song but he I love hearing Daniel sing. Even if it is that sad of a song. I never knew he could sing. I think back on all I have learned about Daniel over this past day. Then he’s singing again.

“I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
I lay dying
and I pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?

my god my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my god my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my god my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my god my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide”

He looks at me as the song ends. I think he knew I was there the whole time. I know this by the look in his eye. Resignation.

“Can we talk?” I ask before the next song starts. He nods. I see him shut down the CD player and stand. I follow him to the kitchen and watch him refill his cup from the coffee pot.

“Hammond finally gave you my classified file. I saw you reading it in your office. I was stopping by to see if you wanted to get some dinner.” Daniel says to me. I look him in the eye.

“Well actually I asked him about Stella. I was looking for some chocolate to eat and found that letter. He was surprised that you hadn’t told me about that.” I say. He looks at me. I can see fear in his eyes. He’s scared of me. He’s scared of what I might do to him. Shit. Doesn’t he know I would never hurt him?

“I was going to in the beginning. Then I found reasons not to. That you wouldn’t trust me that I wouldn’t be allowed to find Sha’re. Then that you would be pissed I hadn’t told you sooner. I almost told you in Hadante. After you took my glasses from me.” He said.

“I’m not mad. Hell that was more than most could put up with. You did well at hiding it. That naiveté you had in the beginning. No one thought that you had had anything bad done to you in your life.” I move to hug him. He flinches when I touch him. Afraid I’ll hurt him. He’s trembling when I pull him to me. But he calms down accepting the touch. I look at the clock. It’s around eight. My stomach rumbles and I hear his do it as well. He starts to laugh.

“I think it’s trying to tell us something.” Daniel says as he pulls back. I nod. He moves to his fridge. Empty. And the same damn thing with his freezer. “Damn.”

“That’s what mine will look like. Except I will have things trying to take over my fridge.” I say. And I know it will be true. I swear there was a small Ewok in my fridge after last mission.

“I throw anything out that will go bad before I leave.” Daniel says. He looks at me and I laugh. Yeah he would do that. I still notice he’s wary of me.

“How about pizza. I’ll go pick it up. Along with some Coke and beer?” I ask. He nods.

“Sounds good.” He says. I go and pick up the pizza. When I get back I see Daniel in the bathroom. He’s in a small medicine cabinet behind the mirror in his bathroom. I never knew that opened. I set the pizza in the kitchen and the drinks in the fridge. He sees me and shuts the cabinet. I don’t ask. He’ll tell me. I see he has three pill bottles in his hand. He sets them down the coffee table and moves to get food. I don’t pry.

“Go ahead, Jack. I know you’re curious. It actually feels good I can talk about this to someone.” Daniel said as he dished out the food. I look at the bottles. Three different sleep aids. He sets the food down as well as a beer for me and one for him. “When we are off-world Janet gives some lighter stuff. But sometimes I have nightmares. After Smith I saw a shrink. I don’t think that was in my file. She was nice. But liked giving people drugs. After four months I stopped going. Since then I’ve been seeing a nice lady here in the Springs. Janet set me up with her. I rarely have to use any of that. Mostly when a mission goes badly. That’s why I rarely stay at your house. If I do have one I can scream my lungs off. Mostly it’s in other languages. Sha’re said I had some really bad ones after you left there the first time. Then when she was taken, I saw Doc Warner about it. He said nothing. Did nothing. Then when Janet was posted there and the Hathor incident. I really needed them. She
helped.”

“You’ve never had one off-world.” I state. I’m surprised.

“No. What Janet gives me when I go stops the REM process. But I don’t always take it. I know when I will probably have one. I know I will tonight. And it’s not your fault. Today was the day I left Alex.”

“And you were going to do this alone?” I ask.

“Jack, I’ve been alone.” Daniel says. I see the tiredness in his eyes. He wants to trust me enough to let me help. And I want to help.

“Let me help. I’m here.”

“For how long?” Daniel asks. I look at him funny. I know I do. “How long before you get tired of it. How long before you can’t do it anymore. And I have to learn to do this by myself again.”

“Never.” I say. Maybe now is the time to tell him. Maybe that will show him that no matter what I will be here. Unless it freaks him out. Unless it pushes him away. He picks up his pizza and starts eating. I do that same. Let’s do this on a full stomach. He barely drinks the beer. I am glad. He doesn’t need to be drunk tonight. The whole pizza is gone before we are both full. He’s switched to coffee and so have I.

“Why?” He asks. I cock my eyebrow at him. Asking clarification. “Why are you so sure you won’t leave me?”

“Because I love you.” I say. Damn. I meant to do that better. He looks at me. I don’t see anything in his eyes. He just stares at me. I hope he isn’t going to rant and rave.

“Oh.” He says. That’s it? That’s all he’s going to say. One two-letter word. Then he throws himself across the couch and into my arms. He’s crying. I just hold him. I don’t know why he’s crying. “I love you too. I was just so scared.”

“You weren’t the only one.” I say. Ok so this is a good thing.

“I was so scared that if I told you, you would hate me. Or..” He doesn’t finish that thought. It takes a while for me to figure out what he means. I make him look me in the eye.

“Never. I would never hurt you like that. I promise. And if I did. Sam and Teal’c would kill me. Hammond would too.” I say. He doesn’t say anything. Just nods and lays his head on my shoulder. I put my arms around him. We stay like that for a while. I know he’s sleeping. I don’t want to wake him. I pull the blanket off the back of the couch and wrap it around us. I allow myself to fall asleep as well.

~~~

I’ve been awake for an hour. Watching him sleep before he wakes up. He looks so different from last night. He looks so young when he’s asleep. I shift little and he grips my arm tighter. I start rubbing his back. He relaxes back into sleep fully. I smile. He’s possessive. He doesn’t want me to leave. Maybe I can be the one to show him that not all people are like Smith and Kensington.

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