Emotion

Title: Emotion
Series: The Alphabet Game
Fandom: Criminal Minds,
Year: Season 7 (2012)
Tags: Demisexual!Spencer, Pre-Slash,
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid,
Characters: Spencer Reid, Curiosity (The Cat), Aaron Hotchner
Spoilers: Up Through Season 7
Summary: Introspection was good for the soul. For Spencer it helps him figure out exactly what he was feeling.
Words: 1,905
Notes: None
Warnings: None
Beta: Reidemption

Spencer grabbed his glass of wine and settled in on his new chair. He’d been shopping for a new set of chairs for around his gaming table when he’d seen it. It was large and puffy. And it was perfect for his little hideaway inside the apartment. In the corner of the kitchen had been a small area where the owners before had put a pantry. Spencer had needed a much smaller pantry as he didn’t keep a lot of fresh things on hand, he’d rather buy as needed given his erratic work schedule. Instead he’d blocked it off with bookshelves and made himself a little reading room. He’d just been waiting on a perfect chair and he’d finally found it.

Curiosity jumped up into his lap as soon as he was settled and he curled into a ball, falling asleep near instantly. Spencer chuckled at him before grabbing his book. He set his wineglass down on the table beside his chair and leaned his head back. Having Curiosity there made him happy. He knew that. The kitten was perfect for him. He didn’t know exactly how Aaron had found the perfect cat for him but he had.

There had been issues but nothing that any cat owner didn’t go through. Clawing the furniture, climbing the drapes, and a spectacular feat in getting to a top of the bookshelves that enclosed his little alcove. He loved the open plan of the flat. It was why he had bought it to begin with, but there were times that he didn’t want to sit in a large room and read. He was used to hiding in libraries and reading. The weekend had already been productive for him. He’d gotten all the maps hung up around the place. The few exposed backs of the shelves had them as well as the sides. The wall in the gaming area was plastered with maps of the realms for D&D and the maps of specific areas in Rifts.

The lights in the apartment were all off except one under the cabinet, one by his coffee pot, and the reading light he had behind the chair. It was just getting to be dusk so some light was coming in his windows. He had the curtains open in the rest of the place except his little room.

Even now with his flat totally finished, Spencer had no want to invite the team over. He liked the quiet of the flat. Yet even with Curiosity there, something was missing. Turning his head to look out the window, Spencer sighed. He closed his book and set it down on the table and watched the sun setting.

Before Aaron, Spencer had thought himself asexual. Totally asexual. He’d accepted that at the age of fourteen. He’d spent tens of hours on the psychology of it all. The study of human sexuality. He’d tried and experimented but there had been nothing that ever felt good to him. Sex had been something he’d done but hadn’t even remotely ever wanted to do again. Even Lila hadn’t got a single reaction out of him. He’d been lost because he’d thought that something was there. In college, he’d been accepting of who he was. In the academy, he’d been accepting. But when he’d joined the BAU, he knew that he’d be accepted for who he was but still he’d kept quiet. Even tried to be normal for them. Normal. Nothing in his life had been normal. He didn’t know why he thought that his life in the BAU would be normal.

After the case where Aaron had forced him to eat half of the apple, Spencer had spent the days off to wrap his head around a new reality. His sexual attraction to Aaron had come as a shock. The romantic feelings for him had crept up on him, blossoming in late nights talking after cases but hadn’t shocked him. He knew that someone who identified as asexual could have romantic attraction to someone, even if he’d never felt it before. After Aaron’s divorce it had been a want to not go home to an empty apartment for the older man that kept him at work late. Spencer hadn’t understood the feeling himself until he was coming home to an empty flat. It wasn’t until after Aaron had stayed a few nights that Spencer has started to see that his attraction to the man was more.

Then he’d got an erection in the car with Aaron. Erections were normal for him. Just never in response to someone else. He’d been shocked but in the middle of a case was not a time for deep reflection. He’d finished the case and then went home and freaked out. His entire world view of himself had shifted.

Curiosity shifted in his lap and jumped down. The kitten ran off, white fur a blur on the dark wooden floor.

Spencer was a scientist and so before he accepted his new sexuality as truth, he’d experimented. No one else had gotten a reaction out of him. None of his friends, none of his co-workers, except Aaron. Then he’d asked Aaron to help him move and he’d spent more than half of their time together aroused. It was just him.

Aaron wasn’t helping him with trying to figure his own mind and heart out because Spencer knew that the older man was attracted to him . Up until that day in the car, he’d not done a single thing to show the man he was interested. He hadn’t felt like pulling the sexual man into a nonsexual relationship was something that he wanted to do, even if he had romantic feelings for him. He knew why Aaron had helped him move. He had been the man’s first thought when finding the kitten. Why he came over time and again just to hang out. Spencer knew that he was reading as skittish and he was. For sixteen years, over half of his life, he’d thought himself asexual and now a new reality was smacking him in the face. And he didn’t know what to do.

Some asexuals had issues with bodily fluids. The thought of them on skin or just being there at all turned them away from any form of sex. That had been something that Spencer didn’t have a problem with. He could understand the reasoning though. There were times that he couldn’t handle the feel of metal on his skin.

The sound of something dragging on the floor told Spencer that Curiosity was up to something. He looked towards the doorway that let into the kitchen and there was the kitten dragging a shirt across the floor. Spencer sighed when he saw it. It was Aaron’s running shirt. No matter what drawer he hid it in to keep it from the kitten, he always found it. Curiosity dragged it over to the chair and then looked up at Spencer. He took pity on the kitten and grabbed both him and the shirt, draping the shirt across his lap before setting him down. Curiosity curled into a ball, purring.

“You miss him when he’s not here too, don’t you?” Spencer started to pet him. After the last time that Aaron had been over, the kitten had spent ten minutes crying at the door when the older man had left. That was the crux of the problem. They both missed him when he was gone and it hurt. He didn’t even know if Aaron wanted to act on his attraction to him and it was what was stopping him. Beth had never been brought up, not between them and not in front of the team. He was sure that Rossi was talking to Aaron about her but there was no indication of what Aaron wanted from her.

Spencer was scared of losing the friendship that he had with Aaron. It had fumbled a little when the truth of Emily’s faked death had come about, but the rough path ended and he felt they were stronger for it. He’d gone though and fallen in love with the older agent at the same time.

When Spencer had found the term demisexuality, he’d researched it just like he did anything else in his life. He never thought that it would come to describe him. He embraced it though. He knew that sexual identity was fluid and he could have very well been asexual for most of his life and it was only as he got older that his sexuality changed. Or he could have been demi his entire life and never found someone that romantically attracted him. There was no way to find out as he couldn’t go back in time to find someone that he could want to be with. He made a mental note to call Sam later and talk to him. Out of the friends he had, Sam was the most down to Earth and also would not try and influence him at all. Walmond would be a good backup if Sam was unavailable but the problem with talking to him was that he had a scientific mind, much like Spencer and Sam was more feeling based.

The knock on the door surprised Spencer out of his internal reverie. He leaned over and grabbed the small device that he’d been given years before. Given was the polite term. He’d come home and found it installed then when he moved, a newer version was installed as well as an alarm system. He had been given handwritten instructions. He’d known who had it installed and a scathing text had arrived in the man’s inbox. It was a small camera that recorded all movement in the door area. In the apartment he’d been in before, it had been a small hassle but with the flat, it wasn’t as he was the only tenant on the floor. He had recorded footage of everyone who came and went. Walmond was a carer, even if his job was more stressful than Spencer’s own, he cared for Spencer even though they had never met in person.

Walmond’s older system had caught the image of the man who had come and uninstalled it. He was quite sure that it was one of Walmond’s agents and given the wording that the other man didn’t use, that was one of the premiere agents of Walmond’s. He never asked and Walmond never told exactly what he did but Spencer was pretty sure he knew. He was also quite sure that the feed to his flat went to Walmond’s computers in London. There were no cameras inside the place; Walmond respected him on that front.

The little device showed that it was Aaron outside. Curiosity woke as he shifted in the seat and the curious little thing looked at the screen. The kitten took off like a bat out of hell towards the door, crying out as he stopped in front of it. Spencer watched him paw at the door for a few seconds before he started towards it. He found that unlike before the smile he put on his face wasn’t forced. He was happy to see the man. Spencer flicked on some of the lights in the flat.

Scooping Curiosity into his arms, Spencer opened the door and greeted the man he loved, even if things never changed between them, he’d be happy with what he had.
The End

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2 thoughts on “Emotion

  1. Awwww!!! I love it. So sweet and feeling. We all need a bit of soul searching and introspection from time to time.

    • Thanks! I’m glad you liked it! The boys are getting closer to that time that you all are looking for!

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